no more full stops...

There are no full stops anymore, period!
Only intervals where I pause, I breathe, I seek….
No destination only the journey…
Only a road, which I know not where it leads to or where it wants to take me…
I just cannot settle, or settle down - at any place, with any thought, into any purpose or belong to anybody…
I keep moving….
I stumble, I fumble, I fall, I rise, I bruise, I heal, I laugh, I cry, I love, I live, I learn
But, I just keep moving…..
That defines who I am, that is me…..
The only way I know I can be…

I am always on the move……

Love without intention...

Just a few hours before I set out for my interview in Bombay, I had reconciled to not getting my visa, somehow it seemed ok not to go to Paris, it was, I guess preparedness for the reject. When I got my visa I wasn’t too excited. Obviously the money part was one major factor. I am forced to recollect a similar occasion of going to the US to visit Gautam and the visa reject which at that time I saw as the reason to rebuild the badly failing relationship… there was too much that I did not understand then, there was too much that I wouldn’t allow myself to ask and I was excited in that web of connections and concealment. Over these years I have grown to experience love differently in a very detached fashion. Wherein my love can be all just within myself. In this, there still is a morbid belief in love and a fascination for the madness that love puts in its victims. Over the years I graduated from the continuous chatter and exchange to a kind of closeness that didn’t need conversation or words to sustain itself; with no more than a look into his eyes or an unusual expression, the way without words allows me to explore more of him and of myself with no limitations or traps brought about by words..

Today as I sit here, I feel contentment, I feel belief, I feel the warmth, without any commitment in real terms, without bondage to share the future, without a care for the norms of the society - the love which is so independent of all norms… I know I love him and he loves me and there can be no stronger love than in letting go and to wish so much happiness to this beautiful man in my life… a happiness of letting him be himself.. It’s not easy, for me. But I am learning how beautiful a feeling it is to let someone we love free. Reminds me of this song, if you really loved someone let it free, it is indeed powerful..

The last two days have been days of meaninglessness and finding myself in him; the look in his eyes, the warmth of his touch and the hugs - all of them tell me what it is and how beautiful it is to be there receiving and to be blessed to give it back or reciprocate.. Reciprocation is so vital here and the joy I realize is in this - when a expression is acknowledged and reciprocated in a manner that it conveys the intention…

Taking the lonely road…

Every time I travel the spirit of freedom is soaring. A feeling of total abandonment and free will. No questions asked, no answers to give. Alone on a lonely road but not lonely. These break free trips and nature trails have always brought me back to life. It is a feeling of being one among so many and the littleness of the ‘self’ that is so humbling. This realization of my little self is what keeps me going. The reality that life is just a flicker and it is up to me to make it the way I want to. As much as it is liberating, the feeling is empowering as well. I want to wander away into the vastness of nature and find my self, want to lose myself, because in this losing is my finding. Or is there a finding at all? Finding myself for me is not an end, it is a constant journey. In the inevitability of living it’s easy and comfortable to get stuck and sucked into the everyday mindless routine. This ordered living can be so overpowering that people can lose the ability to think beyond food, house, children, money and a living. Living versus existing. Working for a living but barely existing!

the SELF....

That there is a correspondence between a person's spiritual nature and its manifestation in his deportment is a law of nature. The level of one's spiritual evolution can be gauged from how one responds to nature. One can observe that the inspiration one gets from nature is proportional to one's spiritual level.

The spiritually inclined are moved by nature and derive inspiration from which the layman will dismiss as ordinary and will require miracles to prove to him of the existence of a subtler spiritual realm.

It's necessary to question why we need tangible evidence for a supreme principle behind all the phenomena we see. Can't one see this in the functioning of one's own body, over which one does not have any control? isn't awareness of this not enough to become truly spiritual?

It's true and unfortunate that an average person has stopped thinking and just follows the crowd and thereby acts mechanically. Beyond the human personality comprising body, mind and the intellect is the essential 'I', the SELF. The sense of 'I' is there right from childhood to old age but the real 'I' is missed because one does not pause to think and question. It is essential therefore to ask, "Who am I?" This will lead one beyond body, mind and the intellect which is constantly changing, to the 'I' which is constant, the SELF within.

selfless love.....

Love for our own children, I think is the most selfless. OR is it due to the helplessness that is so innate to such a biological relationship? The fact that they are totally dependent on us and the fact that their existence is to a large extent determined by us.. is it the submission that we love or the power one experiences out of being wanted? Or is it the deep insecurity that makes us want to love..... whom do we actually love... ourselves or our own children?...

So, how selfless?

photography and me....

Photography, for me is a way of asking questions, not just showing facts. It's a form of social criticism, not just a record of urban experience, but a way to change them. I see this form of art as a social healing that creates awareness and is aware of what it means in the larger society.....

A narcissistic self relevation....

Date: 23-01-2006 10:19 pm

I have been looking up information on my higher studies and I am contemplating 'environmental health' which again like I remember having read somewhere, that life has taken a whole circle and come back to where it all began. I wanted to become a medical doctor and practice in a village in Rajasthan and my dad had bought a piece of land suited for this purpose even before I completed my 12th grade... tragedy that the plan did not take off then, but I have no complaints... life in these last few years has been my best teacher, giving me insights which would be difficult to acquire otherwise. These insights have added the most incredible dimension to my rather presumably drab life. I guess it's never too late to pursue one's dreams and achieve what one wants in life. So I am picking the lost link and moving on from there. These areas, environment and health have been close to my heart, moreover if I can integrate both and take it forward from there, that would be so exhilarating. Am glad am somewhere beginning to make a beginning and am getting to know where I want to be... at least vaguely, am getting to some direction in my life. I GUESS!!!!!!
Why do I say this????? I hope this revelation lasts. Because many a times I get these enlightening thoughts and they fizzle off faster than they formed, but somehow this one, without even I realizing it, has stuck to me for long and has its origin somewhere as long as 16- 17 years ago.. it has been there, lying dormant for so long and it has stirred my being, my thoughts, my emotions, my inner self; questioning my purpose in life – NOW!!, after all these years. I have, in these years during my separation have dwelled into many a thoughts and pursuits, have tried to search for that inner meaning to what I really want to do or be, never being content with what I was doing, the yearning, the quest to find that ‘something' remained, the incompleteness kept lingering in the background that which I could not language and limit by words, that which was intangible remained, it remained despite the fact that the initial euphoria which accompanied every new pursuit brought in the illusion of having found ‘it'. It is not that with this revelation I have found the ultimate meaning to what I want, or that my search has ended, rather it has begun now, seeking further insights and depth, to find a bigger meaning, a larger relatedness with the whole. It’s just that I might have, now, found the direction to my journey, a journey which has no destination but just directions and a long unwinding path.
It's remarkable how the human psyche functions. For a long time in my life, those years, when I could still continue my studies I grieved at the improbability of pursuing my higher studies and had to contend with a 12th grade schooling. I was there struggling, caught in the cusp of hope and despair, to strike a balance between marriage and me as an individual. The man in my life, supposedly my partner for life ordered me not to study any further, his fixated opinion – I did not have to serve the world by studying any further and he was happy with what I had. The grief of surrendering my education was a tradeoff to having a so called ‘happy marriage', which again I now realize was only my perception, this compromise gradually transformed into acceptance and somewhere it metamorphosed into an impossibility. As time passed the realization that I no longer can become a doctor brought in a certain acceptance of myself of not grieving any more on my lost future. Somewhere in my sub conscious I concluded that I lost it for life, that it was never going to happen or never meant to happen at all and I repeatedly told myself that and it became the ‘truth' ..and now intriguingly, looking at the possibility from a different perspective, my dream has taken a whole new dimension altogether.. It has found a place to blossom and grow. I want to nurture it, care for it and watch it grow, and be a part of the process all over again. I look forward to the day I can be what I dreamt, the dream which formed without effort, without much thought.. I just dreamt, like it was there already and now, it is still there in me, has always been in me.. not giving up, not dying, not surrendering but wanting to regenerate itself, wanting to blossom again and waiting to live and mark a new beginning to an end...

Some day soon when Shravan can become more independent, probably I would want to be working, for at least a part of the year in a developing country where people do not have an easy access to medical help, empower the women on aspects of health and nutrition and the important role they play in influencing and determining the health of the family and so on....