When I am losing myself and when I am finding myself, I have always been clueless…
In this finding and losing I live my life and, this process of finding and losing is my journey – my life. Am I searching for a destination to land on? Am I looking at some grand finale, where finally I would have arrived and there is nothing more to seek? I guess NO!
The journey is what appeals to me, wherein I find my calling, a purpose, a meaning in every moment I am walking that path where I know has no end, has nothing to call a finish line, has no name..
In this journey I encounter several challenges – my body that masks my inner being; that body which interfaces with the external world; that body which is supposed to be in a certain way, respond in ways which the society approves.. And, one of the many such approvals which was ingrained in my upbringing was how I respond to my basic instincts - hunger, sleep and sex… (although I prefer to call it making love…)
The common expectation I had of myself was to give myself away to someone who touches my heart… I had no rules to play with, throw all caution to the wind and I was deep in it, basking in the glory of the joy such surrender brings in…..
I have bruised, hurt and fallen in my own eyes in such being, when the bond became a noose of expectations and basic human insecurities. I dwell in the moments of passion and abandonment with fondness. Nevertheless, the aftermath of such a powerful experiences of love and surrender has left me numb in areas of my living I never realized.
That is where you will find me insensitive and all by myself, comfortably numb. I don’t really need anyone right now in my life.. I don’t need anyone to take care of me, to watch me over when I am ill or hold me in his or her arms when I am tired… I am all by myself… and comfortable with that feeling…..
We are all riding on our insecurities… at the end of it we all are just alone…ALONE! There is no one, there is nothing, nothing at all…..
I am all by myself; everything else is a cover up…our craving for relationships are a deeper reflection of the insecurities of life and the fear of the uncertainty.
Even the so-called causes that we dedicate our lives for, is nothing but a need that has arisen out of our insecurities. We all need something to cling on to, lovers cling on to each other, parents to their children, men cling on to power and career, women to constant approval on how they look… many others cling on to social causes - a better form of clinging, a deeper insecurity because these people know the fragility of human clinging.. so they cling on to causes, a more socially edified approved and respected form of clinging..… I am no different…
The day I feel I don’t have/want to do anything.. and just be is when I think I have arrived…
