selfless love.....

Love for our own children, I think is the most selfless. OR is it due to the helplessness that is so innate to such a biological relationship? The fact that they are totally dependent on us and the fact that their existence is to a large extent determined by us.. is it the submission that we love or the power one experiences out of being wanted? Or is it the deep insecurity that makes us want to love..... whom do we actually love... ourselves or our own children?...

So, how selfless?

photography and me....

Photography, for me is a way of asking questions, not just showing facts. It's a form of social criticism, not just a record of urban experience, but a way to change them. I see this form of art as a social healing that creates awareness and is aware of what it means in the larger society.....

A narcissistic self relevation....

Date: 23-01-2006 10:19 pm

I have been looking up information on my higher studies and I am contemplating 'environmental health' which again like I remember having read somewhere, that life has taken a whole circle and come back to where it all began. I wanted to become a medical doctor and practice in a village in Rajasthan and my dad had bought a piece of land suited for this purpose even before I completed my 12th grade... tragedy that the plan did not take off then, but I have no complaints... life in these last few years has been my best teacher, giving me insights which would be difficult to acquire otherwise. These insights have added the most incredible dimension to my rather presumably drab life. I guess it's never too late to pursue one's dreams and achieve what one wants in life. So I am picking the lost link and moving on from there. These areas, environment and health have been close to my heart, moreover if I can integrate both and take it forward from there, that would be so exhilarating. Am glad am somewhere beginning to make a beginning and am getting to know where I want to be... at least vaguely, am getting to some direction in my life. I GUESS!!!!!!
Why do I say this????? I hope this revelation lasts. Because many a times I get these enlightening thoughts and they fizzle off faster than they formed, but somehow this one, without even I realizing it, has stuck to me for long and has its origin somewhere as long as 16- 17 years ago.. it has been there, lying dormant for so long and it has stirred my being, my thoughts, my emotions, my inner self; questioning my purpose in life – NOW!!, after all these years. I have, in these years during my separation have dwelled into many a thoughts and pursuits, have tried to search for that inner meaning to what I really want to do or be, never being content with what I was doing, the yearning, the quest to find that ‘something' remained, the incompleteness kept lingering in the background that which I could not language and limit by words, that which was intangible remained, it remained despite the fact that the initial euphoria which accompanied every new pursuit brought in the illusion of having found ‘it'. It is not that with this revelation I have found the ultimate meaning to what I want, or that my search has ended, rather it has begun now, seeking further insights and depth, to find a bigger meaning, a larger relatedness with the whole. It’s just that I might have, now, found the direction to my journey, a journey which has no destination but just directions and a long unwinding path.
It's remarkable how the human psyche functions. For a long time in my life, those years, when I could still continue my studies I grieved at the improbability of pursuing my higher studies and had to contend with a 12th grade schooling. I was there struggling, caught in the cusp of hope and despair, to strike a balance between marriage and me as an individual. The man in my life, supposedly my partner for life ordered me not to study any further, his fixated opinion – I did not have to serve the world by studying any further and he was happy with what I had. The grief of surrendering my education was a tradeoff to having a so called ‘happy marriage', which again I now realize was only my perception, this compromise gradually transformed into acceptance and somewhere it metamorphosed into an impossibility. As time passed the realization that I no longer can become a doctor brought in a certain acceptance of myself of not grieving any more on my lost future. Somewhere in my sub conscious I concluded that I lost it for life, that it was never going to happen or never meant to happen at all and I repeatedly told myself that and it became the ‘truth' ..and now intriguingly, looking at the possibility from a different perspective, my dream has taken a whole new dimension altogether.. It has found a place to blossom and grow. I want to nurture it, care for it and watch it grow, and be a part of the process all over again. I look forward to the day I can be what I dreamt, the dream which formed without effort, without much thought.. I just dreamt, like it was there already and now, it is still there in me, has always been in me.. not giving up, not dying, not surrendering but wanting to regenerate itself, wanting to blossom again and waiting to live and mark a new beginning to an end...

Some day soon when Shravan can become more independent, probably I would want to be working, for at least a part of the year in a developing country where people do not have an easy access to medical help, empower the women on aspects of health and nutrition and the important role they play in influencing and determining the health of the family and so on....