Life, a journey...

Life has been a great journey so far…

My wanderlust, my erratic choices in life the values and beliefs clutched to my heart with so much pride.
I did not find one truth path... I wandered, I still am…in all this complex drama I redefined and reinvented myself many times and I lost myself several times again, still holding on to my core personality… people mistook my pride and vagrant nature for arrogance .. I was still not the forgiving type… but the one I could not forgive was myself…

I feared men too much to start believing in them again. I think it was around that time when I was overcoming all these fears and with my faith in relationships shattered time and again I developed this flirtatious nature... where one could take it for seduction... maybe that’s the way I communicate…. Or, maybe that’s the way men understand me…I had no shame, had no despair… had no regret… I was moving on... I was moving ahead... still holding my belief in myself and the values I uphold to this day… from the mundane existence of my past I think I found liberation in this free willed wander lust which was reborn again and again... even in my dreams today for me now, and for the future it’s not devoid of the nomadic nature, nature….yes, and nature, anything natural… you see that in Swayyam..

Don’t impose on me what you know....

Don’t impose on me what you know. I want to explore the unknown and be the source of my own discoveries. Let the known be my Librarian, not my Slavery.

The world of your Truth can be my limitation; your wisdom my negation:

Don’t instruct me; lets walk together. Let my richness begin where yours ends.

Show me so I can stand on your shoulders; reveal yourself so I can be something different.

You believe that every human being can Love & Create.

I understand then, your fear, when I ask you to live according to your Wisdom. You will not know who I am, by listening to yourself.

Don’t instruct me; let me Be.

Your failure is that I be identical to you.

(inspired by Buddhist philosophy - Written by UMBERTO MATUZANA, Chilean biologist)

Moving towards dissolution…

Moving towards dissolution…

In seeking to bring about simplicity into my ‘being’ I seek to become one with the Universe. Simplicity in simple terms; starting from the outside; reduce my material possessions to nothing more than a bag of clothes and a couple of books and shoes maybe. To cut off the riff raff from the mundane life to let the simplicity of this simple outside living to seep into my inside, my core, my being…

If that is what I seek and has to boil down to, then why the hell or heaven am I even pursuing what I am at the moment, which is to do with everything with the material world… the answer simply is - to evolve…..

For me, to be and have become what I am today is a sum of my experiences; a culmination of the many ways I have chosen to be in the past – my career, my job, my emotions, my experiences, all of it and more; have I changed? Boy! You bet! For the better? I know not, I hope so, though… but certainly I have evolved, and I believe that is the true purpose of life….. to evolve and to evolve we all choose a way of doing and being…

Experience of life transcends the limitations of the physical… and there is nothing but the consciousness…. That is you…. Not the body, not the mind… just ‘you’ the consciousness…. The soul you may want to call it…

Today, in my doing and being, I seek to discard my Identity, the ‘me’ the ‘self’ – not easy, but I strive to…. Its difficult not to say ‘I’ or take credit when you know no one else will give it to you; Nah! To blow your own trumpet! Because no one’s gonna do it for you… but to let go of the identity, I am my body, I am my mind or I am my intellect is my quest, my journey….. I am just that Consciousness which seeks to evolve because in my evolution through the varied experiences I have through ‘living’ I find liberation, salvation, bliss or freedom!

This line of thought, makes many think of it as a disability. Its exactly the contrast – it is enablement, empowerment… it is moving away from the ‘I’ into the ‘us’ which is the universe… it is becoming one with the universe… the void… the nothingness…. that is all it is..... empty and nothing....

Just went with it!

Notes to myself....

When one completely surrenders, with no fear of managing perceptions, what masks to keep, and what to let go, one can experience real bliss! Sometimes, it's as simple as just letting the universe take over. I had build up so much intent and providence moved; as if to put my inner world in sync with the outer; to just take over because the time had come; to give it to me because I deserve it. There's a kind of assurance in trusting the supreme power whatever term one uses to define this.

Going with the flow is and has been the law of nature, like dance; one movement beautifully unfolding into another. A synchrony, a rhythm; like making love; when you are completely undone and bare with no barriers and pretenses to keep and judgments to pass, there is a spontaneity which embodies complete surrender, that is real ecstasy, real liberation, real intimacy!

Real intimacy is rare -- that's what makes it precious. And it involves the revelation of one's self and the loving gaze upon another's true self (no makeup, no fancy car, no defensive charm, no seduction) -- that's what makes it so damn hard. Intimacy requires honesty and kindness in almost equal measure, trust and trustworthiness, forgiveness and the capacity to be forgiven… It's more than worth it.

To find myself in losing myself; I just went with it….

Man! What a WOMAN!

The chasms created by men are so deep that it has perpetually thrown women into confusion; so much so that it comes as a hurdle in identifying their own selves. This seems to have happened to even successful women.

No passionate rhetoric, NO feminist agenda; just a thought, this morning over my tea with myself.

How this, has a bearing on how women think. While women struggled to gain a foothold and don the male roles, not because they wanted it, but because situations claimed so, men have wore the façade of respectability and cheated women’s trust. Is it, or, was it easy to make inroads into a man’s world? Heck no! Ask me. I am still someone’s daughter, or someone’s ex-wife, rarely my own…

You can blame it all on us… sure you should, because we let it be. But, now, its time for change. Not to defy the role a man plays in a woman’s world, but to establish her place in a man’s world. In becoming a significant partner in a fair world of equal men and women. In getting the respect and a place she deserves. In thought, in action and in spirit.

Mind you, and I repeat – I appreciate the nature of a man-woman relationship; of inter-dependence; a beautiful synergy – the way nature intended it to be. Each one has a role to play, no less no more…

As long as women will not liberate themselves from the self-imposed clutches, which are a manifestation of the uneventful surrender into the abyss of (perceived) male domination, they will never tread the path of glory – of complete emancipation… and that’s when you will hear –

Man! What a WOMAN!

Purpose in purposelessness.....

It’s just that in this purpose of my wandering and getting lost I lose my purposelessness…

My friends call me a wanderlust, biker, gypsy… I’m all and none. In my nomadic ways and being on the road I find my ground, always – humility and gratitude; I feel so insignificant in comparison to the vastness of the universe, yet, significant enough to touch a chord somewhere. Which is what I do when I am not wandering; touching lives significantly; helping people find their anchor and freedom in their own little ways..
The more I wander, the more I come back, to my inner truth…

The day is not far when my worldly belongings will just become a bag of clothes and a few books and walking shoes… just a bag! Got nowhere to belong to, but myself… Swayyam, yes, will be a place which is my creation but not mine… where I am one among the many, but no ONE..

We all have our moments of emptiness and void, at least I do…. And these are the moments of going within I find, that, for me, freedom is the only way to be – A free spirit, like I was born… I experience this in moments of my rides with the wind on my face and the carefree abandonment…

Freedom does not mean lack of responsibility – on the contrary more freedom is more responsibility….and I LOVE IT!

Maya! the illusion..

Lost is how I am feeling …

There cannot be any reason ever for me to feel complete. I have to just ‘be’, period! When there arises a need for me to find a reason or a purpose to my being, when my mortal self is in search of a ‘cling’ – I am incomplete within. Swayyam therefore cannot and will not become a cling that I will own, but it will just be, because it’s meant to be that way. And Swayyam will ‘be’ when it is not mine and is everyone’s to be…Swayyam - by oneself… the home for the elderly…

And, again, the need to look good, or attractive is the need for acceptance and approval from the outside, which stems from a deeper need for security within, which again is the bottom-line of not being. The inside of me does not approve neither accepts me the way I am, and, therefore there arises a need to get it from outside, - approval, which is a big illusion anyways!

The balance is to attain a state of being and not doing. And ironically this being will only come about by doing. To build that security deep within myself, is to build a deep love for myself; unconditional love. My body or my outer appearances do not have a place in such kind loving. It is to love my soul, as it is and my soul has no form, its just there. This calls for a brutal elimination of what the society calls ‘acceptable’ - with no benchmarks and no references to adhere to. In this elimination is receiving and in such unadulterated receiving is unconditional giving and thus ‘being’ …..

Right now I am feeling lost, lost with all this chaos and drama of being within and within and without the world I live in. The constant tug of war with and in what the enlightened call ’ Maya’ – Illusion!