Just a few hours before I set out for my interview in Bombay, I had reconciled to not getting my visa, somehow it seemed ok not to go to Paris, it was, I guess preparedness for the reject. When I got my visa I wasn’t too excited. Obviously the money part was one major factor. I am forced to recollect a similar occasion of going to the US to visit Gautam and the visa reject which at that time I saw as the reason to rebuild the badly failing relationship… there was too much that I did not understand then, there was too much that I wouldn’t allow myself to ask and I was excited in that web of connections and concealment. Over these years I have grown to experience love differently in a very detached fashion. Wherein my love can be all just within myself. In this, there still is a morbid belief in love and a fascination for the madness that love puts in its victims. Over the years I graduated from the continuous chatter and exchange to a kind of closeness that didn’t need conversation or words to sustain itself; with no more than a look into his eyes or an unusual expression, the way without words allows me to explore more of him and of myself with no limitations or traps brought about by words..
Today as I sit here, I feel contentment, I feel belief, I feel the warmth, without any commitment in real terms, without bondage to share the future, without a care for the norms of the society - the love which is so independent of all norms… I know I love him and he loves me and there can be no stronger love than in letting go and to wish so much happiness to this beautiful man in my life… a happiness of letting him be himself.. It’s not easy, for me. But I am learning how beautiful a feeling it is to let someone we love free. Reminds me of this song, if you really loved someone let it free, it is indeed powerful..
The last two days have been days of meaninglessness and finding myself in him; the look in his eyes, the warmth of his touch and the hugs - all of them tell me what it is and how beautiful it is to be there receiving and to be blessed to give it back or reciprocate.. Reciprocation is so vital here and the joy I realize is in this - when a expression is acknowledged and reciprocated in a manner that it conveys the intention…
